Requiem

Last night was probaly the worse I felt emotionally ever. It all came out...

Oh and this journal is private now.

Geez I've changed a bit lately. In the past month I've experimented with a guy, smoked weed for the first time, took some vicodin I found and drank some wine in what is about 3/5's of the bottle now, and contemplated quitting my job and driving around. This shit is really getting to me. Was fuckin' waiting for a friend to finish getting ready to see a movie and got jealous that she was spending a lot of time with a guy she found annoying. The thing is that I always think she talks about me that way when I'm not around because she still hangs out with people she finds annoying or bothersome. So when I get a compliment from her, it weirds me out. I don't know if she's trying to be sincere or cheer me up because of how things are now.

She took so long getting ready that I wound up thinking about my mom and crying for a good thirty minutes then sleeping. Thats probaly why I was a bit upset with her, well other things too. Aunt never showed to pick up stuff and clean yard. Still stuck with this shit here and its fuckin depressing. I mean I was fuckin' crying because I wanted to open up some wine but couldn't find my swiss army knife with the corkscrew that my mom got me. I can't lose that shit. I miss her.

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Geez I seriously don't like my half bro. Emailed him about the urgency to tell someone on that side of the family that my mom died, and he gets all hurt, telling me I talked to him like he was two. Keep in mind, that when I asked if he told the person, which I told him to tell them weeks ago, his email just said "no". So yeah, he acted like a little kid, especially since he took me off his friends list and I can't email him unless we're friends. He also stated that he doesn't know me, which is his fathers fault and his since I added him because I wanted to know my family. Everytime I tried to ask questions and know him, he gave short answers and was vague. When I tried to relate to him about his mom almost dying, he said I didn't know what I was talking about, which is not true seeing as my half sister, or rather his actual sister told me how she almost died of breast cancer.

I can go on about more than he knows of that side of the family. I know our father almost died before and I know that he cheated on their mom before. The fucker is just 18. At least the half sister had some enthusiam about talking to me, unfortunately a little too much for me which is why it threw me off so much. He was the only contact I had to that side of the family, and he has to be a little bitch and just take me off his list where he's listed as private. He never even asked his sister if I could have her number so I talk to her since she doesn't have myspace anymore. Well theres two reasons why I don't like that side now, or maybe its the male side at least. No, I recall his mother always looking at me like I didn't belong when I visited. Guess I was right to consider myself an orphan and only child.

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Seriously hate that little fucker. We could not be any more distant. I've made some attempt to know him and he's so fuckin' apathetic that I give up. I even wanted him to get my half sis's number for me and he couldn't do that or even tell some family on that side that my mom died. God, I hate that little fuckin' overachievin' dick.

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Odd. I'm on my third day of working out and I'm actually seeing results. My stomach looks a little smaller and my shoulders look broader. That is one thing I've always liked about weight lifting, I get results pretty quickly. The only problem is that though I get mass easily, its hard for me to get toned. I mean I've been working on my abs hard the past two days and I have changed my diet. Its noticeable if you see me naked lol.

I feel good about how I look for once. I've always been comfortable with my body, but now I really like it and look forward to what will become of my efforts.

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Lifes interesting. You get throw a lot at different times, unable to dodge some things.

Its odd that you can start to like someone again because of an event/moment, but easily lose some of that interest because of something they've said, not directed at you at all. You can just see that it won't happen and actually accept it and not care because you know, more or less they don't.

Hard to deal with things at times, but doing so. I've accepted things as they are, but need to change them.

Life is still the same more or less, boring. I wish something would happen soon, something good. I need it.

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1. Paid uncle for paying some of the funeral
2. Got a speeding ticket....grrr
3. Repierced my ears so they're 16g now and did an extra one so my left ear has two
4. Got a new record player
5. Bought a LOT of books
6. Got a weight bench
7. Oh, and I ditched dial up, yeah fuck it up the ass!

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Sometimes when I wake up, I'm surprised that the day is still here, that it hasn't all ended. It just surprises sometimes when the world can keep going on. Other times, I'm impressed by this. I have a lot ahead of me, and a lot behind me. I have to learn to leave some things behind in order to make it easier to move on. I can't drag this weight with me. I'll more than likely get to where I'm going, but I don't need to take any longer doing it. Today I release that weight, I let it go. I cut the ties that bind me in this place, this thought process. I become something more.

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Today spent time with a friend, talked, feel much better. I may still stay away from people, but I feel better. I got some things done as well.

Here's the thing though. While I was at Factory 2 U, I heard this song I recognized. It was a Tori Amos song, and it was the one played during the ASPCA commercial about animals being put down. That damn commercial gets me every time. But anyways, it made me think about how I should do something, do more. Then when I was at The 99 Cent Store, they were playing Someday We'll Be Together by Diana Ross and The Supremes. That made me think even more, that I should go out, and do something. That I should use this time, to help. After that, Good Vibrations played, but fuck that. So here I am now, doing what I planned before my mom died.

When my mom was alive, I had told her that I wanted to do more. I had wanted to volunteer for some organization and looked up some, but didn't qualify for many due to them wanting a larger committment, or only money. Well I had bought an American Red Cross shirt and here I am online, looking up places. I'm going to look into volunteering for the rescue mission here, especially since I have afternoons free. I'll also look into Habitat for Humanity since I have done construction on and off for a year. I want to help. I don't want anyone to feel helpless like I had. I want there to be hope.

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Lately I've been losing it. I've been breaking down every so often. I had to struggle a bit while buying groceries yesterday. It had really helped though that I talked to my aunt Jessie. It was the longest conversation I had with her, being about thirty minutes. Theres a reason I always related to her, and its more apparent now. She shares some of the feelings towards the family that I do and how I thought some of the family viewed her or at least treated her, is how she felt.

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I'm so tired. Physically I'm beat, mentally I'm drained and emotionally I'm losing it a little. I'm tired of working, being home, of people as well, and just everything. I just might disappear for a while.

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Still struggling with dealing with things, but I'm doing what I can.

I found a bike rather cheap, apparently the owner is moving. I mean its under a thousand and he's willing to negotiate. I'm going for this one, so emailed to ask where they're are and to look at the bike. I checked out specs on the bike, and its not bad, good mpg and just needs a new seat really.

The tat came out well, getting quite a few compliments on it. I had wondered if getting it would help me realize my mom is actually gone, but its not. I still miss her, but at least this will help me to remember her.

As the days and weeks pass, I realize that it'll be a boring and hard month ahead with me going off probation and my birthday arriving. I know my family will bug me, if they remember it. Most of them don't know my birthday, so thats ok. I don't know if I want to do anything for it though or just drive off.

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The tat count is at nine now and I have fifteen hours of work on me. I also have four piercings now, and also got a haircut for good measure lol. It would have been nice to have done all this with someone, but everyone was either at work, couldn't make it, asleep or going out of town. How is it that when I'm being more social and have more friends, I'm sometimes more alone?

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Sent home from work early, which is why I'm blogging at 5am. No clue what I'll do with the extra day. Guess I'll get car smogged, eat and see what else there is to do.

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I'm writing again. I'm actually really writing again. I just need to keep this up. It has helped me with a lot of things and if I go on my road trip, it'll be a good way to log what I do and express how I feel. I've also found that I want to express myself in other forms. I want to do music as I had planned. Nothing serious, just little files where I experiment, thats all.

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At work, there was this epiphany I had, this moment of perfect clarity. It was a lot like this scene in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. I decided to quit, though a coworker told me to wait until the day was over to consider. But during the day, I did think about what I would do if I quit, and a road trip was one of them. I always wanted to take one and seeing as I want to buy a bike, this works out well. I figure I'd document it, take pics, camp out, visit places I've never been, and just see things. It would be really great. I'm really considering this. Either I'll quit and do this, or I'll go during my birthday when I already asked for time off. I won't know where I'll go, but I'll just ride and see what happens.

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Of my moms possessions, there aren't many I'm keeping. Of those things, one of them is a metal trunk she kept at the foot of the bed. Its a few different colors, obviously painted over and over again time after time. The lock is missing from it and so is a handle. I decided that I'd strip it then paint it a gunmetal type color so it would look more natural. When I was stripping it, I saw one of the layers actually had lettering. Apparently this belonged to someone in the military. It also has the medical shield/logo/symbol on it.

The name on there seems to be CPL. A. R. Green. Now I can't read the numbers or anything else. They're in yellow on green. The name was in red on green. Tomorrow I hope to be able to read it when I strip it more, though some of that is coming off too since it was obviously painted on. Its not taking that original coat off as easily though, so I may be able to get more information. Its interesting to see this since my father was in the army, but I know thats not his name. Just curious as to what it is.

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There are certain bad habits that I think I kicked just recently. I know why they exist, and what purpose they served. The only problem was actually executing the solution. I believe I've done that. The desire behind this bad habit, is waning, if not completely gone at times. Its lost a lot of power over me and what its substituted itself for, is now present, so its no longer needed. Or rather, what it did substitute for, I had just enough of it to no longer need to carry on this habit. Overall, I'm rather happy now as a result and anyone reading this, probaly has no idea what I'm talking about. There is probaly one person who may have a tiny inkling of what this refers to, but thats because they were partially responsible for me "kicking the habit". :P

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Fuck I was so close to snapping so many times today. Whether verbally at family, or just emotionally in general. I haven't been this mad in so so long. Most of my moms room is cleaned out, so thats good. I bought a few things. Got stuff needed at Home Depot and Walmart. Got some stuff I didn't need, but wanted at Office Max. Tired as fuck.

My Tio Juan wants me to go to his house tomorrow to talk to him about something. I hate when I get told stuff like that. Why the fuck can't he tell me over the phone. What is so important that I must drive all the way to fuckin' Visalia after work. I'll call him after work, ask what it is and if its important enough, I'll go there. If its not, I'm staying home. I'm tired of drama and shit. My personal life is getting vaguely confusing, though I'm just letting that go however and not thinking about it really, just enjoy whats happened.

I'm beginning things on the house, though very tiny things. I hope I can get peace soon. Just...so tired of everything. Fuckin' angry half the time, or depressed and lonely. I've begun sustaining from sex, with one exception, in hopes to uncomplicate things. Hell I even turned down two sure things because I kind of didn't want to ruin what could happen with someone else, but probaly won't happen. I've begun drinking slightly, which I don't mind.

Fuck I need therapy. I have a lot of stuff I need to talk to someone about. Theres just a lot of emotions in there, and I don't know if any of it is normal. I'm not venting most of this out. Usually I have sex, so I don't get lonely really, but I'm not doing that, and I'm dealing with that loneliness, and add in the fact that I have no one to talk to about this in this empty ass house and you have me bouncing off walls.

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Today when I was driving home, and almost home too, I for some reason, began to think about my mom a lot and started to cry, HARD. Hard enough that I had trouble seeing and swerving a lot. What made it worse is that The Foo Fighters were on the radio and the line I heard was "Why did you have to die?". Shut that off. When I got home, popped in a DVD I got in, which was Penn and Teller's Bullshit. The first episode was about talking to the dead...

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